Major Payne You Eyeball Me Again
Major Payne: Boy, I am 2 seconds from existence on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'thou gonna put my foot and then far up your ass, the water on my genu will quench your thirst.
Alex Rock: Try it.
Emily: [She and Tiger enter Major Payne's office] Apparently he had a niggling accident.
Major Payne: Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily: Well maybe that's because he's six.
Major Payne: Because he's 6? Adult female, when I was 6 years old I had a full time job.
Major Payne: Perhaps what he demand is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the male child grow up.
Emily: Excuse me, what did you lot say?
Major Payne: I didn't stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-oral fissure AND End BABYING HIM.
Emily: I don't call it babying, I telephone call it nurturing.
Major Payne: And I call it neutering.
Emily: And I telephone call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, dictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE!
Major Payne: I own't frigid.
Major Payne: One! Don't y'all feel dumb. Two! Await at you. 3! Don't you ever make jokes virtually me backside my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.
Major Benson Winifred Payne: [Payne has just been informed that the USMC has run out of battles for him to fight, AND has passed him over for promotion to Lieutenant Colonel] Full general, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there whatsoever longer a task for trained human weapons of destruction such every bit myself?
Gen. Decker: Most claret is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like united states are becoming dinosaurs.
Major Benson Winifred Payne: General, surely at that place must exist SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.
Gen. Decker: Pitiful, Major. In that location'due south nobody left. You've killed them all.
Major Payne: My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne! Equally of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt every bit your commanding officeholder!
[the cadets start booing. Payne shoots his firearm into the air several times. Every buck snaps to information technology]
Major Payne: Meet now, what we accept hither is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to claiming my authorisation! I have eight weeks to plow you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit of measurement! From this mean solar day forward, your lamentable asses belong to me! You lot will non eat, sleep, potable, accident your nose, or even dig in your butts without my say-so! Know this... killing is my business ladies, and business is good!
[after a ruse to try and get rid of him, Major Payne forces the cadets to wear dresses and march with him]
Major Payne: Got no worry, got no stress!
Cadets: Got no worry, got no stress.
Major Payne: 'Crusade we feel adept in a dress.
Cadets: 'Cause nosotros feel good in a dress.
Major Payne: Major Payne'south a major diss.
Cadets: Major Payne's a major diss.
Major Payne: He makes u.s. squat when we piss.
Cadets: He makes u.s. squat when we piss.
Major Payne: Got no worries, got no care.
Cadets: Got no worries, got no intendance.
Major Payne: I'thousand merely a bald headed son of a bowwow without hair.
Cadets: I'm just a baldheaded headed son of a bitch without hair.
Major Payne: I tell ya, ladies, you're the prettiest cadets nether my command. I oughta change my proper name to Pimp Daddy Payne.
Guerilla Leader: You'd better requite up, senor, you cannot kill us all.
Major Payne: Nope, but I can clean your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!
Woliger: Achoo!
Major Payne: What the hell was that yous little freckle confront cartoon? Did I give y'all permission to sneeze, Opie?
Woliger: No, sir.
Major Payne: Then you concur information technology earlier I kick your ass back to Mayberry.
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: [referring to all the other cadets, salve Dotson] They won't let me go on a "Black Op," because I'yard too little, and nobody always lets you do anything when you're niggling.
Major Payne: Aw, phooey! Don't you ever read any of those stories most little people who do large things? Picayune Red Riding Hood! The Three Footling Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How almost the Footling Engine That Could!
Buck Williams: Y'all's a pure, genius! Who you? Redd Fox? No, better notwithstanding, Richard Pryor, ain't y'all? Hoo.
Major Payne: What's your name, girlfriend?
Cadet Williams: Dwight Williams, but the boys call me D, sir. You tin call me D.
Major Payne: D, hmm?
Cadet Williams: Yep, blood brother?
Major Payne: You like the way I handle these white boys, D?
Cadet Williams: Oh, yep!
Major Payne: It make you experience good to see a black man runnin' things, huh?
Cadet Williams: Malcolm X.
Major Payne: Well, let me tell ya something, D.
Cadet Williams: Aye, brother?
Major Payne: Why don't you come closer.
[shouting straight into Williams' ear]
Major Payne: I am not your damn brother! At present drop downward, give me 20 squat thrusts at present!
Major Payne: Howdy, fiddling fella. What yous had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: [nods caput]
Major Payne: Well, that's all this is. Now, you lot better run on up to your room before that man jump out the cupboard and chop your piffling head off!
[swings machete in forepart of Tiger's face]
Major Payne: [imitating Porky Sus scrofa] W-w-what are y'all laughing at, pig-boy? You lot detect a piece of candy in your pocket?
Heathcoat: No sir!
Major Payne: What's your proper noun, Tubby?
Heathcoat: Heathcoat, sir!
Major Payne: Heathcoat. You know, you remind me of the doughboy. If I poke your stomach, will it brand you go oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! You know what, I'k gonna help y'all make room for lunch, bacon-boy. Drop down, requite me thirty sit-ups right at present! Let'due south go! Count 'em out. Let me see that belly roll!
Emily: He'due south trying to show you some amore.
Major Payne: I don't like it. Information technology makes me feel all funny.
Major Payne: What are you lot looking at, ass-eyes?
Cadet Bryan: Nothing, sir!
Major Payne: You plottin' on me, male child?
Cadet Bryan: No, sir!
Major Payne: Well, let me tell you somethin', ass-optics. Let me tell you all somethin'. War has made me very paranoid! And when a homo gets to eyeballin' me, information technology makes my Agent Orange act upward, and I get the urge to kill.
Major Payne: From at present on, my lilliputian group of shaved scrotum sacks, you volition walk like me, talk like me, consume similar me, and until you lot win those games, yous will exist Bald like me.
Major Payne: I surprised y'all own't dropped 'bout 12 puppies past at present. Ain't you never been married?
Emily: Yeah, I was.
Major Payne: What happened? You end his control?
Emily: No, really he left. I wanted children, he didn't.
Major Payne: Any human that'd leave yous outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.
Emily: Well, thank you lot Benson. How about y'all? Was in that location ever a Ms. Payne?
Major Payne: Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a married woman, they'd of issued me one.
Major Payne: [the cadets are running an obstruction course in heavy rain] LET'South MOVE It, YOU TURDS! You'll become no sympathy from me! Y'all want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That'south where you'll detect my sympathy! This ain't no walk in the park; let's motion it! Hustle, hustle! HUSTLE!
[Woliger has merely gotten out of the tube]
Major Payne: Hey, Dense! You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy!
Cadet Dotson: Yeah, Dumbo! Fly, baby, fly!
Major Payne: Hey, Williams! You tell Marlee Matlin's son if he don't get across that rope, I'm-a hang him with it.
Cadet Dotson: He'll hang yous with it! Ha ha ha!
Major Payne: Heathcoat! You get your fat body over that wall!
Cadet Dotson: Get your fat pork chop body over that...
Major Payne: You close upwardly! Nobody's leaving here until the boilerplate for this squad is one minute, twenty seconds!
Cadet Alex Stone: Come on, he tin't practice it. Leave him solitary. I can barely practice it. Information technology's slippery out here.
Major Payne: Slippery, he say! You think Charlie intendance anything about glace? Only thing he knows is slit your throat. What if this was a life or expiry situation?
Buck Alex Stone: But it'due south not a life or decease state of affairs.
Major Payne: [Takes out a grenade and pulls the pin out with his teeth] Information technology is now!
[All the boys just Alex scream and run though the obstacle class]
Major Payne: One Mississippi! Two Mississippi!
Cadet Alex Stone: Come on guys. What, are you crazy? It's just a dummy grenade.
[Major Payne throws the grenade behind him at the trees and information technology explodes. Alex dives into the mud]
Cadet Alex Rock: Oh, damn. Oh!
Major Payne: Who'southward the dummy at present?
[Major Payne has shaved the children bald]
Emily: Major Payne, can you delight help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?
Major Payne: Oh, that's my niggling incentive programme. These boys have to earn their practise... their hair-practise that is. Heh,Heh,Heh.
[Major Payne subsequently noticing the big biker]
Major Payne: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you autumn from?
Buck Williams: Payne'southward not here, he's in our ass!
Cadets: Payne'due south not here, he'southward in our ass!
Cadet Williams: Butt's and so tight he can't pass gas!
Cadets: Barrel's then tight he can't pass gas!
Cadet Williams: Sound off!
Cadets: 1,2!
Cadet Williams: Sound off!
Cadets: 3,four!
Buck Williams: Break information technology on downwards! Break it on down!
[Starts to dance until Major Payne comes backside him]
Major Payne: You like to rhyme, boy?
Major Payne: ...SOMEBODY'South gonna answer for this blood from my lip! I WANT NAMES! I wanna know who's responsible! Don't everybody speak up at once...! I guess NOBODY'S responsible! I gauge I simply had that one coming! Well, guess what ya'll got coming! Seven 23-hr days total of FUN AND Chance! I'm gonna make you boys STRONG!
[the cadets await as if they might weep, then Stone comes forward]
Major Payne: [repeated line during the story he tells Tiger Dunn] Chooga chooga chooga chooga, chooga chooga chooga chooga... toot toot!
Major Payne: [finishing the story to Tiger Dunn] To be continued... When I come back, I'll tell y'all what Bubba used every bit a penis!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: I have to become to the bathroom!
Major Payne: You concur it, turd!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: I can't!
Major Payne: I said agree information technology, or I'll intermission that off and kick it around on the basis!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: [Later] Major Payne!
Major Payne: What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: I did something bad.
[Shows that he wet himself]
Major Payne: Yous nasty trivial worm. Become modify your Huggies boy, and exist back hither pronto! End that cryin'! You'll become no pity from me. You think tears'll terminate Charlie from takin' his bayonet and stickin' it in your piddling tiny heart?
Major Payne: [Notices Fox isn't responding similar the other cadets] And what is your harm, musculus-head? You lot stupid? You ignorant? Or you lot just plain ol' deaf?
Woliger: Yeah, sir. Actually, he is deafened.
Major Payne: Oh. Thanks. Now drib downwards, requite me 25 more for speakin' out of line!
[Turns back to Trick]
Major Payne: I'thou sorry Mr. Handicap Human being. I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language?
[Trick nods]
Major Payne: Can you read lips?
[Trick nods again]
Major Payne: Permit me intermission it down. If you lot don't answer me when I speak to y'all, I'yard gonna put my foot in your ass! Is that clear, dummy?
Buck Play a trick on: Sir, yes sir!
Major Payne: You're still a shit sandwich. You're but non a soggy one. From this moment, y'all are no longer turds. You accept graduated to maggots!
Major Payne: You lot center me i more time I'll snatch it out and put information technology in Heathcoat'southward cookie bag!
Woliger: [Sees that Alex is putting on his clothes blues] Where are y'all going?
Alex Stone: To the games. Y'all guys amend get ready - we gotta exist there in an hour.
Woliger: Alex... we don't have a take a chance without Payne.
Alex Rock: Listen - Payne or no *Payne,* I'chiliad gonna go out there and get that *stupid* bays. We busted our asses off out there! Now, I didn't go through all that to come up out empty handed.
Major Payne: Hullo cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!
Maj. Benson Payne: [sees Tiger peeking his head into the office] What do you want, Mr. Pee-Body?
Emily Walburn: [as Tiger walks up to her] He's a little upset about this morning. Apparently, he had a picayune accident.
Maj. Benson Payne: Manifestly, he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily Walburn: Well, mayhap that's because he'south six.
Maj. Benson Payne: Maybe cause he six? Woman, when I was six years sometime I had a full time chore.
Cadet Dotson: Let's become, let's get, let'southward go! Come on, motility it! Saddle upwards that horsey and ride!
[Cracks an imaginary whip]
Alex Rock: You lot ever hear of knocking, Dotson?
Cadet Dotson: You won't have to worry well-nigh that anymore. I accept proficient news for yous, assholes. Pack your bedding, your kit, and your clothes. Let'southward go!
Alex Rock: [Sarcastically] Where to?
Emily: Here. I desire you lot to read this book. Read it. Apply it.
Major Payne: The ABC'due south Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?
Dr. Phillips: Yous're in charge of the greenish boys
Major Payne: Come once more?
Dr. Phillips: The dark-green boys... they wear those greenish 'tings. You know what'southward funny, when they stand in front of the bushes... I tin can't run into them!
Major Benson Winifred Payne: Be advised, ladies, we are going to WIN the Virginia Military Games this twelvemonth! You will note my emphasis on "WIN": Whisky! India! November! Become USED TO HEARING THAT Word!
[and later, as he's introducing the cadets to their new, off-campus quarters]
Major Benson Winifred Payne: A squad that lives together, wins together! UNITY, turds: that is the key give-and-take in Unit of measurement, without the "Y!"
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110443/quotes/qt0352234
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